I shot a man today.

It's not what I wanted to do, it was never what I wanted to do. They just.. they just wouldn't stop.. and they were going to take our tomatoes. I mean... who kills someone over tomatoes? I'm still shaking as I write this. It's hard to keep going.. what have I done? I'm a monster, I must be. Nobody would do wha

Okay. Its okay. I'm better now. I had to do it, I know I had to. I buried the body under some of the plants. I guess... that there's no sense in letting it go to waste. He looked so cold. 

I haven't left my house since it happened. I started marking the days on the wall. It's been almost a month. I'm going to have to go soon, and find water. The tap hasn't run in a while now- guess the plant can't run. Got plenty of food, thank god for canned veggies. 

Are you there god?

Okay. Managed to find some water. The Bonfare was picked clean, and I had to walk to the river. Gas lines are still working, but I had to find a lighter to get the stove going. Least I won't be getting cholera. 

I wonder how the gas lines are working still? I should go find some wood, just in case. 

Swear I'm going to go crazy without my computer. Maybe I already have. I'm not sure if this is really happening. My family is just across town, but I can't get to them to visit. Too far away to walk in one day, I don't have the supplies. Wouldn't be in before curfew. 

Running out of paper. Going to have to start writing on the back of my paperwork and stuff. Might even write on the walls if I have to. Maybe I should stop wasting space. Who cares about paragraphs and grammar and crap anymore, right? I mean sure it's important, but not so important. I think writing here is the only thing I have left. Roommates went out this morning. Haven't come back. Didn't say where they were going. I keep hearing gunshots, automatics. Can't be anybody here, must be military. I think I might start trading their pot plants for supplies. But if I do that, someone will try to take them from me. It's dangerous. It got really cold last night. Electric blanket is worthless now. Strange, home depot still has a lot of wood. Going to go back for as much as I can get soon. If you're reading this I hope I'm still alive. Someone tried to take the wood I was bringing back. I hit them over the head with a twobyfour until they stopped moving. I cant keep thinking about what im doing to people, I have to survive. I need to find other people who wont try to steal. I need to get out of here, we need to get out of here. Traded the last of the plants today, but I kept the seeds. Lot easier then making alcohol, and lots of people are desperate for a fix. Going to leave this house now. Find my family. Maybe we can get out of



It’s been over two weeks and the sun has just started to shine enough for my solar chargers to give my mid tablet life, I don’t dare start up the generator after last week. This is going to be brief, but being as this is a moment in history I feel as though it is somewhat my duty to document it for my family, and the rate the gunshots are heard in the neighborhood lately, no better time than the present.

      I’ll start off with what happened the first week, my over paranoid self, chose to fill up our Bobs and put them under my daughter’s bed, and sons closet. Here it was one of the smartest things I have done (other than overstocking rechargeable batteries and solar charges when I found them cheap on ebay). My boyfriend scoffed at how ridiculous I can be, but by day 5 he managed to ask if he could open the first one with the word please—his less than graceful way of saying thank you, I suppose.

     We used the generator all last week and made jerky from all the meat in the deep freezer, I am surprised half the town’s dogs weren’t sitting on our porch from the smells. I found out it wasn’t the food and animals, but the generator and other people I needed to be wary of. I offered for our immediate neighbor use of the oven, but she declined, & I haven’t seen the neighbor who shares a wall with us, I think those kids took off for home early on. The neighbors down the right side of the sublet (possible meth-heads from the looks of it BLWO—before lights went out), and the massive complexes of shoddy apartments across the street have been my biggest concern, and the main reason I am writing this tonight.

     A few nights ago someone smashed in our kitchen window, and was trying to climb in when they got a steak knife through the hand… whether it was for food, or the generator, I can’t be sure, I do know however that they will be back, once their hand heals, and I am lucky I am not dead for giving them the present of a piece of my cutlery. We are leaving ASAP. So we have enough meat dehydrated and sealed (thank you foodsaver), and 2 bobs left for my small family and we need to get out. They have National Guard on the roads, as well as regular troops. We have heard the “remain home and calm” or “curfew” amplification/recording, and know we are taking a risk, but no larger than the one we’d take staying here. There’s not anything of police, and I am quite fearful for my little ones. In these living conditions, and in such cramped quarters we are due for a plague (history does repeat itself). At the least, the rioting will move to the homes in search of food and water. My family is going to “little house on the prairie it” in Idaho, where Mike knows of a cabin by a decent stream for fishing/bathing/ect. Not sure if grandpa is going to come with up, he has a mini arsenal, generator, secure home, and enough Gatorade to last a normal person two years, and beer to go with it-- though we are going to ask. Either way, he’s coming off some guns and at least one of his presses and dies. If he comes along, I pray he doesn’t bring that damn feral cat of his. -.-

      I have a spousal military ID (though I am no longer married to the guy, and he’s no longer in the military—fat chance they will have the means to look that up though ;), I am hoping it will get me through the guards and out of town, we are packing the truck in the dead of the night, I am donning my old BDUs from JROTC complete with name tape and correct patches from the BF’s surplus, he’s getting in his BDUs, I’ve doctored his military ID expiration date (DADT) and we are gone. First stop is my besties father’s rock quarry, where we are trading: 2 FMRS radios, a solar hookup, and clothes Nico’s grown out of, for 40 gallons of gas from their fuel pumps and some seeds from last year’s veggie garden.
     If they turn us around at a check point, we should still be okay, for the first time since he bought the damn overpriced things, I am glad to have super swampers on the truck (this experience has made me happy he has many of the quirks that, until recently, grated on every nerve in my being). Not sure how we are going to fit everything in the bed and keep it secure all the way there, though since we won’t have to stop for gas at a station, or red-lights for that matter, we should be okay with just the tarps. The kids are getting restless and into the packed totes that are bound for the truck, my battery is getting low, and Mike needs some help putting what electronic valuables we might want when this is all over and done with packed away upstairs. I mean who the hell steals boxes marked Christmas Decorations from an attic?!? If things went awry Alannah and Nico, I hope you were able to grab the tablet, and are okay. Remember momma loves you more than all there is sand in the world and stars in the sky.  Hopefully I will get the chance to write more when we get there.